E.P.O.H.

That day I decided to take a step forward. Only Holy God knows if I made the right decision. ‘Maybe it will change my way of looking at people, at life’ – I naively thought. I did it and still can’t believe it. The necessity of letting her know how I was, was stronger than the feeling (hatred?) towards her. But why? Why did I decide to send the letter? Perhaps I ought to have burnt it instead of deluding myself…

September, 12^th, 2001

Dear Mother,

            This message ain’t gonna be long. I’m writing to tell you I’m OK after all the events that took place in our country yesterday. You probably heard it, right? We still in America don’t know why this all happened and who is responsible for that. All the people are in deep shock, plunged in sorrow and pain. As for me, I stayed alive as I wasn’t at the office (I’m struggling with terrible flu). Terrible?! God! No, this turned out to be my salvation! Anyway, I ain’t gonna harp on, you’re probably not interested, you never write back… Well, I just want you to know (just in case) I’m fine.

P.S. I’d love to meet you one day.

Your daughter, Nadiya

Anyway, as always, deprived of courage, I felt too ashamed to go to the post office on my own so I gave the letter to my kind neighbor to send it to her, to England. I was quite impatient and nervous somehow but I felt as light as a feather cause I did something to ‘alleviate’ the pain… pain in my broken heart and soul.

Yet, days and nights were passing and I (only He in heaven knows how gullible I am) was going outside to check the content of my letterbox. It was, however, empty each time I opened it while coming to and from my new place of work. ‘I should leave it all’ – I thought – ‘and start a new life’. But then the night came and everything began again. Whenever it was getting dark, all the thoughts accompanied me and I was weeping silently trying to hide my tears and emotions. Why did I brood about her so often? Did she do the same sometimes? Did I actually hate her? With all these unanswered questions I went to bed. To my great surprise, I slept well, I was dreaming when suddenly I heard the doorbell. I rose from bed as quickly as I could, looked at the clock that showed 10.47 a.m. and ran downstairs to answer it. It was my neighbor, Brian, the guy who agreed to send my letters and who satisfied all my whims, even the odd ones. I noticed him holding something behind his back and I was given an invitation (brought in a white envelope) to the concert of my favorite rock band. I was absolutely stunned as I knew perfectly that the tickets were almost impossible to be obtained.

- ‘How did you manage to get them?’ – I asked him staring at the two envelopes (his and mine). And those words, his words… I’ll remember them for the rest of my life.

- “I just wanna make you happy” – he replied.

He blushed and so did I, I felt it. Then I understood. He fell in love with me. We both smiled and at that very moment he surprised me even more with his sudden utterance: ‘I only hope you’ll forget all the ordeal you are going through because of your mother.’

I knew. He tried to console me.

            We were dating each other and, I must admit, he helped me get rid of unpleasant memories. I stopped thinking about her and I didn’t send any message to her. Brian and I were really happy to be together, to share our best moments. Yes, I could spend long hours in his company and seek refuge in his arms. He was bringing me beautiful flowers each day and taking me to one of the best restaurants in the city centre, where we could eat and talk. One day he chose a different place for our meal, though. At first I failed to know what was going on. Once we entered the building (which was in fact even more exclusive than the one we had been visiting earlier), a group of musicians started playing some pleasant melodies. When they finished, Brian came up to me and proposed to me. I obviously loved him and, without any hesitation, agreed to become his wife.

We planned to be married a few months later when my fiancé received a message. He was forced to leave the country for a few weeks. I didn’t ask why. I understood he had to go. I knew he loved me and he would come back as fast as possible. I promised to wait for him.

We went to the airport together. I embraced him tightly and he entered his plane. He waved at me from the airplane and I did the same, and then headed for my flat. When I came into my room, I sat in the armchair and started thinking about him, about our future, but then, again, SHE appeared in my thoughts. Again, after such a long time. ‘I’ll try once more. I’ll take a risk’ and I reached for a sheet of paper.

January, 13^th, 2002

Dear Mother,

To be honest, I don’t know why I decided to write to you again. Apparently I still cannot become reconciled with the fact we are separate whilst we should be together. Today I realized something: I don’t hate you and I wanna tell you that. I sometimes wonder why you don’t love me (I assume you don’t, taking into consideration the fact that you haven’t even answered any of my letters so far). Your husband (my loving father) died before my birth and then I lost YOU as well. I don’t think it should be so since I am your daughter, but it’s your choice. Finishing, I desire to add one more thing, the last one, I promise. The way you named me is quite suitable for me. HOPEFUL, I’ll be waiting…

Best wishes,

Your daughter, Nadiya

Next morning I had to go to the post office on my own as Brian was abroad. On my way home, I decided to go shopping and, as soon as I returned, I started doing the crossword puzzle I bought.

Days seemed so long and dull without him by my side, but I knew we would see each other soon. I missed him terribly, I couldn’t wait to hug him again.

Finally, the longest month in my life was coming to an end. Brian called me to pick him up from the airport in the evening. I was so happy. While leaving home, however, I (as usual) opened the letterbox and I saw a letter, a letter from her, from my mother. I didn’t wait, I immediately ran upstairs and started reading.

February, 3^rd, 2002

Dear Daughter,

Darling, at the beginning of this letter I desire to tell you two things. First, the most important of all, is that I love you with all my heart. The second one may be quite shocking for you. I swear your last letter was the only one I received, there weren’t any others given to me, which is surprising, because you suggested you had sent more of them. I couldn’t answer because I didn’t get anything, all my life I was sure you didn’t want to know me. I didn’t want you to suffer while recalling me. I realize I made way too many mistakes in my life, but I always think of you, hugging and kissing the photo where you’re smiling at me. This is the only picture I have with you. I hope you’ll forgive me one day. I desire to meet you, I’ve always desired. Please, come to me here, to England and allow me to be your real mother, give me the chance to love you and to take care of you. I beg you to let me know if you wanna see me. Please, answer this letter.

Your loving mother

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was reading the letter over and over again and I was just on the point of accepting her invitation when my telephone rang. It was Brian. I didn’t answer it, of course… I didn’t want to know him.

When the phone stopped disturbing me, I eventually commenced writing. The letter was really brief, as I wanted her to receive it as fast as possible.

February, 14^th, 2002

Dear Mum,

The one who ain’t able to forgive cannot be called a human being. I love you too, I always have. See you in London in a short time. Can’t wait to see you!

Your loving daughter, Nadiya

Once I finished, I quickly ran to the post office with the letter and I was sure she (no!) -  my mother would get it soon as I sent it on my own.